It’s hard for me to set intentions. This is the second time I have been in the South, and again, this struggle with setting an intention. Like it’s on the edges, but finding the exact words eludes me. I am grasping at something, not fully formed but waiting to be born. And I know it is waiting to be born because in the last few weeks I have had recurring dreams where I am heavily pregnant and about to give birth…, but it is not quite the right time yet.
So today was a long session in our initiation circle… sharing the free writing we have been doing around crafting an intention. My circle partner and I are both tired…. and the session feels like we are circling this thing, constantly ebbing and flowing around cracking it, then doubting it…. I find myself in particular being resistant to pinning this thing down. A commitment phobia. We discuss how I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to get this thing exactly right, and that that might be part of the stuckness. I have the following insight about this which applies to many other parts of life, especially in my writing work:
*In wanting things to be perfect, I prevent myself from completing tasks.
Indeed I can circle them for years at a time, as I have done with my Phd thesis.
So after the group, I take my baby son to the bedroom to feed him. we are cocooned in Oxytocin. Both of us tired. Me from wrestling with intentions; him from learning how to pull himself up in his cot and crawl around the flat. We fall into a deep sleep, but not before I grab this book to look at while I breastfeed. It’s one I looked at a few weeks ago, and one part stayed with me and is now circling my head demanding to be looked at again. It is Illusions by Richard Bach, and here is the part that got me. The part where God speaks direct to the reluctant messiah who wants to give up being a Christ-figure in order to be a mechanic again:
“I command that you be happy in the world, as long as you live…. In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime”
Imagine that! That all we have to do to realise our purpose is to gravitate towards what truly makes us happy. Of course, filtering out what we think will make us happy from what actually does make us happy is the life work!
I fall asleep, with my son, warm on my chest.
The sun is out. First day of spring. And as I enter a half awake half asleep state, I feel it very warm on my body. It reminds me what a powerful source of life the sun is, how much we are a part of it. as i dream, I am repeating the intentions I have crafted out that day, trying out new formations and orderings of the words. Always inserting into the intention this line about happiness… a path based on joy… realising my purpose not through the hardship and pain which brought me on this, and other, Initiation journeys, but the joy at the core of me that will be what ultimately enables the transformation to live more authentically. I wake refreshed, with my son. he immediately rolls off the mattress and gets busy with his purpose, which right now is practicing how to crawl. I splash my face, pull on trainers and a jacket. Time for the school run…. taking the warmth of the sun with me… contemplating intentions and a path of happiness.